Talking to the insecure in the mirror

I had a request to discuss body image. Being an only child I was always praised lots and am naturally very confident with high self-esteem. So maybe I can pass on those feelings to some of you who struggle.

My BMI classes me as obese (I was overweight for a while & have been eating my way through grief again), mostly due to my height (& bra size!). I’m a size 16 and my wife just describes me as curvy, yet every-time you go to the doctor on something unrelated they want to talk about your weight. I cycle most places, eat healthily (and mostly veg little sugar) and exercise for over 30mins everyday but have fluctuated between sizes 14/16 for the last 10yrs.

The first time I went up to a size 16 (shortly after I discovered ale & happiness) one of my best friends phoned me up out of the blue to ‘discuss my weight’. One of my lodgers at the time struggled with her weight and said this was labelled as an ‘intervention’ in order to give you a wake up call, and had had similar experiences. I was shocked that someone who had known you for a number of years (in this case 20!) could think you wouldn’t notice you had put on weight or would be doing nothing to address it. I found the whole experience deeply upsetting and demoralising. And like many people when I am upset, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs — I eat sugar! I have some friends who have high metabolisms, or can‘;’t eat when they’re stressed and struggle the other way round. One was even told she ‘looked like she’d come from a concentration camp’ by a group leader at an adventure centre we taught at.

It seems unless you are exactly the shape society expects you to be, you can look forward to comments on it. At least if you are a woman.

For myself, I look in the mirror and think I look sexy, well-proportioned and beautiful. My wife constantly says how gorgeous and attractive she finds me (I realise I am very lucky in this). Then I see myself in photos and think ‘what was I thinking wearing that — I look like a hephalump!’

It’s almost like reverse body-dysmophia but who is to say which is the actual reality? — Is it where I am happy with my body image, my partner finds me attractive, I feel healthy and am connected with my body? Or is it where society and friends find me fat and think I am slowly killing myself with obesity?

So my suggestions for you if you have friends ‘struggling with weight’ in either direction:
- Tell them when they are looking good / great (do not tell them they have put on/lost weight — the constant association of a certain weight with looking good is depressing!)
- Find something to compliment them on (their outfit /attitude /intelligence)
-Support them by going to places that offer healthy options & choosing them, or not going for the extra course or another drink
- Try to socialise away from booze & food (escape rooms..)

And if it is you — do the same & be a friend to yourself, because you deserve it!

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